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29 oktober (Trying for) Positive VibesMy blog definitely needs some positive vibes so here are 10 GOOD things about this week:
1. I lost 2lbs.
2. The presentation I made for last night’s seminar went over smoothly
3. I’m up to jogging 16 minutes in the couch to 5k program
4. The Penguins won 6-1 last night
5. Had a good hair day yesterday
6. Went shopping with Mom Tuesday night
7. Lunch was bought for me yesterday
8. I resisted eating pie and ice cream earlier this week
9. I still have a $100 bill in my wallet that I’m saving
10. My car stopped making that noise that it started making on Friday
Ok, I did this to help make myself feel better and instead I feel bad that it took me so long to come up with this list and that this is all I could put on to it.
~ FC 28 oktober A Need To CryMy lack of writing lately is mostly due to two things: 1. Work and 2. My emotions have been so out of whack lately I haven’t felt capable of pulling together a coherent thought. I guess I still feel that but today I actually felt like getting some words on paper (screen?).
I’ve slowly adapted to my “new” life as a single woman who lives at home with her Mom and Papa. I’m trying to find my footing so that I can go back out to the big, bad, mean world and try again. This time I’m hoping not to get spat out once it’s through with me.
Some days I feel so lonely that being with people isn’t enough. Other days I want nothing more than to be alone and feel too crowded. Other times I’m missing his touch and his company. I wonder what it is that I’ve done. I wonder if he’s hurting still too or if he’s moved on to greener pastures. Then I quickly dismiss those thoughts from my mind.
Some days I wake up feeling like I have the perfect plan for myself and this “new” life that I’m leading. Then other days I feel so lost and confused and like I have no direction.
I hide in books. I seek comfort and sympathy from books. I seek love, companionship, friendship from books. It’s not healthy but it eases my mind.
Most days I hate what I’ve become and other days I love this “new” woman. She seems so strong and brave. Then I look in the mirror and see the scared little girl who is overwhelmed with life and the world around her.
Aunt Flo is visiting and she’s drawing on my weaknesses and making them stronger. All of these bad feelings have been intensified since her arrival. I’m ready for her to leave; I’m having a hard enough time with things without her “help”.
Halloween is soon to be upon us and usually this time of year I am giddy with excitement and have done several spooky things. Yet this year, I have done nothing but gone to see The Rocky Horror Picture Show. It hurts to think of how this time of year used to bring me joy. If no other time during our relationship, October was always good and fun. The fact that I haven’t participated in festivities this year makes me want to cry and the idea of actually participating in festivities without him makes me want to cry.
I just want to be happy again.
~ FC 08 oktober Who are you and what have I done with me?My brain feels like a big jumble of incoherent thoughts. From time to time I’ll grasp onto one and concentrate on it with all of my might or force it back into the oblivion with all of my might. Either way, it’s exhausting.
Some days, like yesterday morning, I feel pretty damn good about the decisions I’m making and the goals I’m trying to achieve. Then out of nowhere (see previous post) I’m pulled back into the depths of misery. Not only did Rogelio’s email to me throw me off kilter but my work day in the afternoon just went insane. I called my Mom and whine and complained to her and begged her to let me go and resign.
Now here I am again today feeling pretty bad about life and dreading my meeting with Rogelio. All I can think about is tomorrow. Tomorrow evening I will be on my way to Mary’s house, tomorrow I will be in the bed that seems so much more comfortable than the one at my Mom’s house, I will wake up to two little boys Saturday morning just as excited to see me as I am them and then off to the farm we’ll go. Oh, I guess I haven’t told you about that yet.
I found a farm near by Mary’s house where I will be taking her two boys for the day to enjoy their Pumpkin Festival. I think it’s going to be great fun. While I’m out with the boys Mary and Will will be starting a home improvement project. Then hopefully going out to dinner all by themselves. While me and the two monkeys enjoy a movie and then bed time.
But right now, at 2:30pm on Thursday, all of that seems so far away from my grasp right now. All I see right now is another hurdle in which I have to jump over when I can barely crawl let alone jump over anything.
~ FC 07 oktober FallenWhy does it take one communication from him and all of a sudden I’m falling apart? I feel like all of my strength that I had built up is now gone. I feel like my skin is on fire. I feel sad and empty inside. All of this over a simple email that was nice and to the point. It had nothing mean or hurtful in it what so ever. So why do I feel this way? Why do I feel even more desperate to get to Maryland this weekend than I already was? I hate that he can do this to me. It’s just not right.
I was so proud of myself this morning. Not only had I woken up early enough to do 30 minutes on the exercise bike but I also put a good three or four hours of time into job searching. I felt good about what I was doing. Even yesterday I had the sense that I was over the really big emotional hill that I had felt like I was climbing for weeks on end. Now I feel like I’m back at the bottom.
He wants to meet with me tomorrow to close our joint bank account. I was the one who suggested doing this sooner rather than later so why has this affected me so much?
~ FC 01 oktober Fun Weekend AheadI’ve been waiting all week for this weekend to get here. I’m so excited I can barely contain myself! Friday after work I will be heading back down to Maryland to Mary’s house. On Saturday afternoon we’ll be having a birthday party for Nick. He’s five years old! YAY!! J Then after the party we’ll head over to their community’s October Fest. I’m banking on having a lot of fun! Not to mention that I’ll see other parts of my family their too not just Mary’s family.
Of course I’m also excited because the hockey season officially starts tomorrow night, GO PENS!!!
I’m running out of time. Will try to post again when I have more time.
~ FC |
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