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29 juni Today is not a good day….First, I’d like to preamble this by saying: I have run out of my Celexa and have been off of it for four day s (counting today). So, I’m sure that has something to do with how I’m feeling today.
Today is a bad day for me emotionally. I’m not missing Rogelio, however I am terribly upset over the idea of going back to “my house” this week to go and pick up more of my belongings. Will he be there? If he is, will he say/do anything to me while I’m there? If he’s not there when I get there will he come home in the middle of me being there? I really just don’t want to have any interactions with him ever again. But, my things are still in that house and I need to get them. This hurts.
Part of me wants to go do this task completely alone and another part of me wants someone to come and help protect me emotionally. Yet, at the same time, I want someone to hold me afterwards and tell me that everything will eventually be ok. A big part of me feels like I can’t handle this emotionally on my own. Another part of me wants to go over there and give him a piece of my mind. But the bigger part of me thinks staying silent (regardless if he talks to me or not) is the better way to go.
I keep trying to think of fun things to do afterwards to help me get through this. I’m going to take a look at the movie listing and see if anything strikes my fancy. If not maybe I’ll rent some movies. Then there are always a few gift cards I have right now that I could go out and use. Also, I was planning on doing lunch with my Dad (who is retired) and maybe even go over to swim in his pool. Reading a good book is always a good way to spend time. I love reading.
I’m looking forward to July 4th when I’ll be going over to my Dad’s house for a cookout and fireworks show afterwards.
I’m sad today.
My heart hurts. ~ FC 26 juni Missing Michael JacksonI was in shock to hear that Michael Jackson passed away yesterday. As a matter of fact, when I was told the news I thought someone was trying to trick me. I still can’t wrap my mind around the idea of him being gone. Yes, he was weird, yes it’s possible that he was a child molester, but damn that man could sing and dance!
I am reminded of owning a Michael Jackson Barbie doll when I was younger. I was convinced I was going to marry him (yikes! I know!) Does anyone else remember the Michael Jackson cartoon? I do.
Farewell Michael…
~ FC 24 juni I’m Back From Vacation? What?I’ve actually been back from vacation since last Saturday. I cut my vacation short. Instead of coming back on Sunday I came back on Saturday. The two main reasons for this was that 1.) I got lonely and 2.) it was too hot to be camping out in a tent.
The drive there was great! I took my time and enjoyed as much of the scenery as was possible. The best part of the drive there was finding a boxer dog on a highway in Virginia. I couldn’t believe it! She was just walking down the road, so I pulled over and called to her. She was extremely friendly and very pleasant. But now here I was in Virginia with a lost dog. I decided I would go door to door looking for the dog’s owner.
After about five houses and no luck the last house I went to suggested I go to the ambulance station that was up the hill. It was a good idea so I did just that. Here the dog belonged to one of the EMT’s girlfriend. He was happy to see the dog safe and sound. I was happy too! Otherwise I would have had to explain why I was bringing a dog home with me from my trip J.
I arrived safely in Myrtle Beach, SC however I discovered that the registration office for the campground was closed. I thought this meant that I couldn’t get in. So, I drove to the nearest Best Western and I booked a room there for the night. It was a luxurious room. It had a Jacuzzi bath tub!
The next morning I woke up, packed up my car, and drove down the road to the campground. Once I started the check in process I learned that I could have stayed there the night before because they supposedly have someone there 24 hours. I don’t know where though because I didn’t see anyone when I was there. But you live and learn.
So, I drove to my spot and set up my tent. After that I got changed into my bathing suit and sun dress and hit the beach. I found a nice spot under the pier where I was protected from the sun. The rest of the day I spent swimming in the ocean, reading my book, and just relaxing on the beach.
That evening I went back to the campground, took a shower, and settled down with my book. Once it got too dark to read I went into my tent with my book light and read some more. I slept soundly through the night. The next morning I was hot, thirsty, and lonely so I packed up my stuff and headed back home.
My ride back home was less eventful than the one down. I was happy to get back home and my family was happy to welcome me back. However, earlier that morning my Step-Sister’s boyfriend broke up with her. So now we have another guest staying at the “Broken Hearts Ville Hotel”. This should be interesting ;)
~ FC 17 juni VacationI'm leaving on vaca tomorrow morning. I'll be back Monday. My feet will be in the sand soon enough!!!! YAY!
~ FC 15 juni GO PENS!!!!!I have a lot to post about but right now I'm celebrating the fact that my Penguins won the Stanley Cup!!!! WOOOOO!!!!! 09 juni And this is how it all ended….I’ve e-mailed Rogelio at least three times in the past three weeks and have yet to get a response from him. So I decided to send him a text message today asking him to read and reply to the emails. We’ll see what happens. I just can’t figure out what he’s waiting for. I want to pound out the details and move on with my life. I’m tired of hanging on to something that just isn’t any more.
Here are the “gruesome” details of what happened. Rogelio and I had been arguing ever since we moved into the new house together. Rogelio has a bad case of “OCD”. Even though he hasn’t been officially diagnosed I’ve gotten professional opinions. Anyway, the OCD wasn’t a problem when we weren’t living together. He had certain “quirks” that I had gotten used to over the years. But then those “quirks” came into what was supposed to be our home.
As you can imagine things didn’t go quite as smoothly as we were hoping. So, like I had mentioned above, we had been having the same arguments over and over again. Finally, I had it in my head that I was going to give him an ultimatum. Either he goes to therapy with me so we could work things out or I’d leave. However, once the time came for me to say that I chickened out and asked him to go to therapy with me only.
This happened on the last day I saw him. After I asked him to go to therapy with me he began asking me questions. Rogelio told me that he thought maybe we could talk through the issues ourselves. I reminded him that we’ve been trying to do that all along and it was not working. He persisted and so we started talking (again).
Once again the discussion got out of hand and we were arguing again. I told him if things weren’t going to change then I was leaving. He called my bluff and I started to pack up some of my stuff. While I was packing he came up to me and asked me where I was going and for how long I was going to be gone. I answered him and continued on my way. We argued some more when he interrupted my packing progress. Then at the end of that argument he screamed at me to, “Get out!” So, I did.
The part that hurts the most is that he hasn’t once tried to get me back. He didn’t try to stop me when I told him I was leaving, he didn’t beg me to stay, and he didn’t beg me to come back (not once). No phone calls, no text messages, no e-mails, no nothing. That was the final straw that broke the camel’s back. Here I was desperately in love with him and he just let me walk away. So now you are up to date on what happened. Perhaps I should say, “No w you know The End of that story”.
But really it’s not the end. He still has all of my stuff in the house (I think), he’s still living in the house, I’m still paying for the house and utilities that I’m currently not using, and he refuses to talk to me. I’ve asked a friend here at work, who happens to be an attorney, for advice. We have a timeline and then we’ll jump into action.
Please say a few prayers for me. Goodness knows I need them….
~ FC 08 juni Um... What?What does it mean when your ex's Aunt calls you but doesn't leave a message? Any ideas?
~ FC A New AdditionIn an attempt to help lift my spirits I’m going to post something wonderful that I forgot to post! We have a new addition to our family!!! Over the weekend my cousin, Hillary, had a healthy baby boy!!! This is her second son and Mom and baby are doing well. I just keep looking at his picture when I need a smile.
~ FC What’s another word for “Random”?On Saturday my beloved Pens lost game 5 of the Stanley Cup Finals. This had me greatly depressed, but now I’m looking on to tomorrow night when we come back to kick butt! YAY! I also made things right by having a delicious dream about my favorite player. Get your mind out of the gutter, it wasn’t dirty! But there was a smooch or two ;)
Sunday I learned how to build my tent that I will be taking with me on my birthday trip to Myrtle Beach. I am VERY excited about my trip. Only ten more days until my trip!!! YAY!!!! I’ve already decided that one of my stops will be to Margaretville bar. I’m also planning on making a trip to Broadway at the Beach.
Now onto something slightly emotionally disturbing; Rogelio’s Aunt called me last night. I didn’t know she had called because my cell was in my bedroom and I was not. She didn’t leave a message. I’m not calling her back. I don’t know why she called and if it wasn’t important enough to leave me a message then it couldn’t have been important. But it still bothers me that she called me.
While I’m on a “sad note” I might as well go all the way. I feel like (another) part of my heart has been broken. About a month or so ago my favorite cousin, Heather, got engaged to her long time boyfriend. I’ve always considered her to be like my sister. She’s always been my best friend and we’ve always been so close.
Well, as it turns out, it would seem this was only in my mind. I e-mailed her and asked her for wedding details and asked if I was in the wedding party. As it turns out, I’m not. I’m still in shock over this. I feel like I’ve been stabbed in the heart (nothing like kicking a gal when she’s down, huh?).
I realize in the grand scheme of things that this shouldn’t mean that much to me, but it does. We’ve always talked about what our weddings would be like and we always included each other in our plans. I guess she out grew those plans. L
Hell, I’ve been complaining about feeling obligated at having my biological sister, Missy, as my maid of honor because I wanted Heather to be that for me. Then to find out that I’m not even a bridesmaid for her… it’s just a slap in the face. It makes me feel like our closeness was only in my head.
Just another relationship where I loved more than being loved…
What do I know?
Ok, I can’t end this post like this so let me think…
I’ve been doing really well as far as exercising goes. My muscles are definitely getting stronger; however I need to work more on my core (this is according to my doctor as well). My food intake hasn’t been the best but I’m still working on it.
Oh! Oh! Here’s something else! I’m planning on getting a tattoo. I want a tattoo on my foot and I’ve already had my Mom design it for me. It’s a very special and meaningful symbol for us, but I can’t go into detail what it is. It might give my identity away if someone I know reads this.
There, that’s better.
Have a Happy Monday! ~ FC 04 juni Dethroning My PrinceFrom here on out I will now refer to “My Prince” as “Rogelio”. I like this name. It comes from the Old Latin word “rogelius” which literally translates to “3-legged son of Satan”. Now don’t get the wrong impression, please. Rogelio has done nothing wrong in the sense of making me hate him. So far, it hasn’t been an ugly or messy breakup. It’s just an unfortunate coincidence that this is the meaning of the name I chose.
Allow me to move on to also renaming my “Evil Step-Father” to “Papa” (don’t worry I’ll put a legend on the side of my blog to help you keep things straight). Papa has done an amazing thing for me since I left Rogelio. Let me start from the beginning.
Ever since Papa’s daughter has run off with a less than deserving boyfriend he has opened his eyes to my sister and I. He has become much more understanding when it comes to me and even before I left Rogelio, he told my Mom that I could come and live with them if I were to ever leave Rogelio. My Mom had told me this over and over again and I never thought it would happen.
But since I have moved in with my Mom and Papa, he has been amazingly supportive. Like I had mentioned before he is not asking for any money from me (at all, even when I try to pay), he is encouraging me to get myself back into school (since he knows this is my dream) even though he knows that would mean me staying there longer, and he now is more loving towards me. Our relationship has never been this good! Plus, the way he treats my Mom is even better than I could have ever imagined! I guess the old saying, “Never judge a book by its cover” will forever hold true.
I think that is all of the renaming that I have to do. However, I may be introducing new “characters” here since my life has more involvement from them now than before.
Stay Tuned! ~ FC 03 juni Birthday TripLast night I decided that I would treat myself to a special birthday trip. In fifteen days I will be turning 27. To celebrate I am taking off of work June 18th and June 19th, which will give me a four day weekend.
I am planning on waking up early on June 18th and driving down to Myrtle Beach, SC. I will be going all by myself! This will be the first vacation I’ve ever taken alone! I am SO excited!
I found a campground that is on the beach and I will be taking a tent with me. Yes, I will be staying in a tent all weekend long. All I plan on taking with me is clothes necessities, books, air mattress, sun block, money, and a beach chair. That’s it! I can’t wait!
During my stay I plan on being a beach bum by day, hitting a few clubs by night, and squeezing in some chill time at the pier. This sounds fabulous to me.
Do any of you have any suggestions/recommendations for me while I’m there? Just remember, I’m a girl on a budget!
~ FC 02 juni *Knock, Knock**Looks around* Hello? Anybody here?
I really don’t expect anyone to be left and I don’t know if this is my big “return” or not but I need to “write”. Writing has always been my therapy and once upon a time that therapy was violated. It still feels odd and I feel like protecting my words here, however at the same time it feels like comfort. I know that’s an oxymoron but I’m a woman, I’m supposed to be complicated. lol
I am currently going through some big life changes. Well, actually, one major life change that I’m hoping will lead to the others. That’s why I needed to take a break. It was just all too much for me to handle, plus it was only the beginning. In a way I’m still stuck in the “beginning” process, but I’m also moving forward with the emotional progress of this change. Goodness, could I be any vaguer?
Here we go with another split feeling, I want to tell someone about this big life change but at the same time I want to keep it my secret. That is why I came here. None of you know my real identity and I kept this blog that way for a reason, so that I could express my thoughts and feelings without anyone in my life knowing about it or getting hurt by it. Ok, now I feel like I’m just stalling. I guess I didn’t expect it to be this hard sharing this information with “you”. If there are any of “you” left.
*Deep breath*
Ok… here it goes.
I left My Prince five weeks and 2 days ago.
Only a handful of people in my life know this.
There is so much to the “why’s” and the “what happened’s”. Hell, I’m still sorting through it. I’m still trying to grasp the reality of the fact that I’ve not seen him/lived with him for that long already. Part of why I didn’t want to spill this secret is because seeing it in black print makes it even more “real”. But I wouldn’t be here doing this if I weren’t ready for it. Right?
*Deep breath*
I’m currently living with my Mom and my Not-So-Evil Step-Father (yes, you read that correctly and I will explain another time). Almost every day I wake up and have to wrap my mind around the fact that I am once again “homeless”. My Prince (yes, I need to come up with a new name for him) is still living in the house we bought together, I’m still assisting in paying for it since my name is still on the deed and loan, so I am graciously living rent free with my Mom and Not-So-Evil Step-Father .
*Deep breath*
This makes it real. I told the world.
I hope to be back soon.
~ FC |
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