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28 september A Reminder....OH yeah... now I remember why I wasn't missing him before.... because he's acted like an @$$hole during this whole break up. Thanks for the reminder State Farm for calling me and letting me know that I have less than a month to pay my car insurance since my EX-BOYFRIEND FAILED TO LET ME KNOW!!! BUT RATHER INSTEAD JUST TOLD THEM THAT I LEFT WITHOUT A FORWARDING ADDRESS!!!
Ok, now I remember why being with him isn't a good idea. ~ FC Sadness and SorrowThe sadness and sorrow are becoming too much for me to handle. It’s been five months since I left Rogelio and it’s not getting any easier. Everything feels like a chore to me except for my escapes to Mary land.
Going into work every day I think to myself, “how am I going to make it through the day?” Most days I have no idea how I make it but I do. Going home to my Mom and Papa makes me so sad. I love them both and they have been very supportive of me through this tough time but it’s just not what I want to be doing.
I’m relying a lot on my family and don’t have any friends (outside of work). It’s just so depressing. But at the same time trying to keep up any relationship of any kind just seems like too much work. I know I’m nothing but a bunch of contradictions but that’s how I’m feeling right now.
During the week I use books to help me to escape and during the weekend I run to Maryland whenever possible. I just feel like I’m 27 and have nothing else better to do with my life. This is it. I pushed everything away until I had nothing. This truly feels like “nothing”. I saw Rogelio this weekend. He returned most of my possessions. I’m happy with what I got. I’m not going to harass him for any more. He gave me a DVD with a slide show of our life together titled “Thanks for the Memories”. It ripped my heart out to watch it. At the very end was a picture of him frowning. It hit me like a truck. I want to scream.
One sweet thing does not erase all of the problems. I keep trying to remind myself of that but it’s getting harder and harder.
Life hurts. ~ FC 22 september Last Weekend and the Week of Mayhem AheadLast weekend was really nice. My cousin, Mary, has made her home a safe haven for me and I couldn’t thank her enough for it. She lives in Maryland and it’s just far enough away that I can make the trip over a weekend and leave all of my troubles behind.
I left work at 5:00 and didn’t get to Mary’s house until 10:00 the traffic was really heavy. But when I got in Mary was the only one up still waiting for me. She told me the boys tried to stay up and wait for me but got too tired. I love them to death for that. Mary and I stayed up talking until 1:00am. I read a little bit in bed and then fell off to sleep.
The next day we had a lot of plans and I couldn’t wait to start the day. We started the morning off by going to Nick’s karate class. I enjoyed watching him in action. The class was also teaching wonderful lessons to the kids to help them if a stranger tries to take them. After karate we went back to Mary’s house, got cleaned up, and ate a quick lunch and off we went to the beauty salon. Mary had her hair cut while I had my nails done. I wanted to try to get a trim but they didn’t have an opening for me.
After the salon we went back to the house and I got to play with the boys for a little before we were heading out the door again. This time we were going to Fredrick for dinner and shopping. We went to a fabulous restaurant and ate ourselves silly. Then we walked around town and stopped in a few shops. I did not buy anything while we were there. We then drove to Borders book store and of course I spent way too much money there on several books and one book mark.
Once back at Mary’s house we ate s’ mores and watched the end of a movie that was on tv. About an hour or so later we headed up to bed. The next morning I played with the boys and went to the park with them before I hit the road back home. Over all it was a great weekend.
This week is plain crazy with the G20 Summit coming to Pittsburgh. Everyone is on high security and I’m going to Ohio Thursday and Friday (not happy) to work. With the protestors in town we’re closing our main office in Pittsburgh and going to our other office in Ohio for those two days and some of my other lucky co-workers are being able to work from home those two days.
Today I’m getting my hair trimmed up because it’s getting way too long and I just can’t take it anymore. Hopefully this weekend I’ll be going to my Aunt Bee’s cabin and will get to see my Pappy again, YAY! Plus, Mary and her family will be there as well. It all depends on whether or not Rogelio decides to delivery “something” to me on Saturday or not.
~ FC 18 september *Swoon*We interrupt this program for a momentary “swoon” of the day.
I walk into his office and he looks great, as usual, in his three piece suit and tie. Those deep crystal blue eyes take my breath away every time!
There’s low music playing in the background and he is softly singing along to the words and I haven’t been able to make out what the song is just yet. He looks up with me with that smile that could stop the Pope in his tracks and continues to sing along just a little louder so I can hear as he snaps his fingers to the beat, “I get a kick, out of you!” *Insert another heart stopping smile here*
*Loud girly sigh* If only…
You weren’t married and didn’t have two kids.
*Loud girly sigh again*
We return you to your regularly scheduled program.
~ FC 17 september Wow... really?!Is it just me or does it seem like couples every where are breaking up this year? I know of six different couples that have broken up recently and that shocked the hell out of me (including my own). I don't mean to sound morbid, but I feel bonded to these women in these tough times. There are are even two of them who are bloggers that I don't regularly comment on but I was some how convince that their relationships would have lasted forever. I know that seems naive but that's me in a nutshell any way.
Luckily I have my safe haven that I'll be running away to this weekend. Tomorrow night, after work I will be driving to Maryland to my cousin Mary's house. I know I've spoken of her and her family before but really they have been a miracle to me in this tough time. I love spending time with her boys and I love spending time with her and her husband. It feels so good to get away from this place for a while and these feelings. I'm absolutely blessed that she not only allows me to come for weekends at a time but because she encourages me to do so and because both her and her husband understand what I'm going through.
I'm itching with excitement to hit the open road and be with my family once again. Five o'clock Friday cannot get here fast enough!
What are you doing this weekend?
~ FC 16 september The End???Could it be that this horrible nightmare is close to coming to an end? I can only hope. Rogelio sent me an email last night telling me that he’s done fighting with me and he’s happy to have the papers that I signed. He also said that he wants to deliver something to me at my convenience. I can only hope that he’s speaking of my belongings. I won’t know until I respond. I don’t trust myself to respond just yet. I have to mull his words over in my mind. For the first time since all of this started (5 months ago) this is the first communication that he’s sent to me that was not only nice but full of apologies. Part of me is afraid to let my guard down and think that the worst of the storm has passed but the other part of me is feeling relieved and wants it to truly be that… a relief that it’s finally coming to an end.
I’m going to hold on to this feeling in hopes that it’s truly winding down to a finale. It’s been going on long enough and I am ready to move forward with my plans for my future.
I would be lying if I said that I don’t love Rogelio any more. That was never the problem for me, even with all of the hurt he caused me. But somewhere out there is someone who will not only accept this gift of love from me but will return it in two folds.
Life is a crazy thing and I’m still trying to learn the ropes. I hope I’m not celebrating too soon with this. As always, time will tell.
~ FC 08 september Holiday WeekendUnfortunately, on Friday I found that Papa did not go to the post office to retrieve my letter from Rogelio. He thought that since it was for me that I was required to be there to sign it. So, it had to wait until Saturday.
On Saturday I ran a few errands with my Mom and Papa and picked up my letter. I was immediately infuriated by what I read. Not only did he once again completely ignore the return of my possessions but he also made a demand. I went home and wrote a very angry letter that I was ready to send out. However, the sensible side of me said that I should let my Mom and Papa read it first and make changes to it before sending it. They read it and thought it was fine the way it was. I knew it was not fine the way it was so I figured they must have been just as angry as I was. So, I started thinking about what he was demanding and how I would respond. My first reaction was to give in to him. Then I gave myself the rest of the weekend to think it over before I composed a new letter this morning (but I’ll get back to that).
The rest of Saturday I spent helping Mom and Papa put a screen up on their back porch and I went and signed and got the transfer papers notarized for Rogelio (but did not send them). Then I spent the rest of the evening reading a book I borrowed from my cousin Mary. The name of the book is The Vampire’s Bride by Gena Showalter. It’s a great book and the suspense of it is keeping me glued to it! You can click on this link to read more information about as well as check out the other books I’ve been reading in my book list.
Then we woke early Sunday morning to go out to my Aunt Bee’s cabin. It was a really pretty day to go, unfortunately we didn’t stay long. However, I did find out that my cousin and his wife are expecting!!! YAY!!! I also got to hang out with my family for a bit including my favorite little guys, Nick and Mike. Nick and Mike are Mary’s two little boys and I love them to death! They make my heart smile! I went on a hike with Nick and his Dad when we first arrived, it was exhilarating!
After we left there we went back home and loafed around the house. Then on Monday we finished up the screen, YAY! In the afternoon I went over to my Dad’s house and spent about five hours there with the family. My Dad will be leaving tomorrow on an Alaskan cruise for a week! I can hardly wait for him to come back and tell me all about it.
So my weekend was nice but went by too quickly.
The letter I composed to Rogelio today is much calmer and I even came up with some good negotiations. I will be sending this letter certified to him this afternoon. I’m running out of time so I can’t explain further. Will let you know how it goes once I hear back from him. =P
~ FC 03 september Wishing it would endMy skin feels like it’s on fire today, my chest feels like an elephant is sitting on it, my heart feels cold and like stone, and I’ve never been so aware of the extra weight that hugs my body.
This is how I feel most days. I have no smile to smile, no laugh to share, I’m simply gliding through life until the hurt stops. I hate that this is how I live right now. I hate that this is how I feel most days.
I keep thinking to myself that there will be a day that comes when this is all behind me and I will be able to move forward on my own. However, I continue to look for that day to be near and it seems nowhere in sight.
Rogelio has sent a certified letter in response to my “Final Plea” e-mail. Unfortunately, no one was home to accept it so now I have to get to the post office to pick it up. I’m hoping that Papa goes this morning for me to retrieve it. I’ll find out once I get home. I need to get to a notary to sign the papers Rogelio has sent to me. A part of me thinks that he’s going to make that a stipulation for getting my things back. I don’t care; I just want those few belongings back. I’ve succumbed to the fact that I’ll have to rebuild and re-buy everything that he still has of mine. I just want this final tie between us to be broken.
I hate that he destroys me with just a typed letter. I hate that my body goes into panic mode any time he contacts me through the written word (which isn’t often). I just don’t feel strong enough for this.
I just really wish this was all over already.
~ FC |
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