Fat 的个人资料A Fat Chick Trying to Fi...照片日志列表更多  |  工具 帮助 |
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10月28日 A Need To CryMy lack of writing lately is mostly due to two things: 1. Work and 2. My emotions have been so out of whack lately I haven’t felt capable of pulling together a coherent thought. I guess I still feel that but today I actually felt like getting some words on paper (screen?).
I’ve slowly adapted to my “new” life as a single woman who lives at home with her Mom and Papa. I’m trying to find my footing so that I can go back out to the big, bad, mean world and try again. This time I’m hoping not to get spat out once it’s through with me.
Some days I feel so lonely that being with people isn’t enough. Other days I want nothing more than to be alone and feel too crowded. Other times I’m missing his touch and his company. I wonder what it is that I’ve done. I wonder if he’s hurting still too or if he’s moved on to greener pastures. Then I quickly dismiss those thoughts from my mind.
Some days I wake up feeling like I have the perfect plan for myself and this “new” life that I’m leading. Then other days I feel so lost and confused and like I have no direction.
I hide in books. I seek comfort and sympathy from books. I seek love, companionship, friendship from books. It’s not healthy but it eases my mind.
Most days I hate what I’ve become and other days I love this “new” woman. She seems so strong and brave. Then I look in the mirror and see the scared little girl who is overwhelmed with life and the world around her.
Aunt Flo is visiting and she’s drawing on my weaknesses and making them stronger. All of these bad feelings have been intensified since her arrival. I’m ready for her to leave; I’m having a hard enough time with things without her “help”.
Halloween is soon to be upon us and usually this time of year I am giddy with excitement and have done several spooky things. Yet this year, I have done nothing but gone to see The Rocky Horror Picture Show. It hurts to think of how this time of year used to bring me joy. If no other time during our relationship, October was always good and fun. The fact that I haven’t participated in festivities this year makes me want to cry and the idea of actually participating in festivities without him makes me want to cry.
I just want to be happy again.
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